of headaches, traumas and overloads

A morning of hen-clucking
dripping with sweat as dropped to school by an aircon-less car
... plus the headache for riding on a vehicle that is reminiscent of the oven.
Coming to school earlier than class hours for a department meeting that ended nowhere
... and missing first class because of that.
Surprised by the abrupt coming of your research adviser...
whilethere's still no printed copy to submit.
Spending the entire day with the headache incurred in the morning.
Getting a text message that is reminiscent of a traumatic experience
and being misjudged as prude and biased because of that trauma (such a boomerang.)
Desperately seeking for notes that shouldve been accomplished had a reading material been returned on time.
and ugh, feeling guilty about bugging somebody who has to provide an alternative material (yea, this embarassment is a matter of pride -- admittedly; i never like the feeling of needing somebody -- probinsyana complex stikes again).

These events disturbed my self-sufficiency, and the confidence that I'm doing pretty much fine. These are small events that bothered this world that I am currently building. I even surprised myself when I told my friend to be more sensitive of what i've been through. By that I ask myself whether I just got wiser to know my limits (i even replied to her message, QUOTA NA. PROMISE. SENSITIBO. MAY TRAUMA), or a bit more childish since I obviously lost huge meters of patience. Tsk, tinusok ako sa tadyang. Medyo nag-pause ang mundo ko.

Issues. Sure they exist - in career, academic and more intimate aspects of life. And sometimes, these issues aren't really about you. Dream of a department, and be countered by conflicting egos. Wish good things for people who are important to you, and they won't listen -- or perhaps they will, but it's like you're not reliable or charismatic, cute, funny or "refreshing" enough to be listened to. It's just sad on how people pour their stuff while not liking the way you react about it, no matter how sincere you could be -- ano ako? sofa? unan? panyong pamahid ng luha? Ni nga di mo na inisip ang sarili mo, ikaw pa sasakit ang ulo -- at wala kang choice, dapat kang magreact. But God knows how I would be more than willing to conquer 'em. It is just sad most of the time, I can't -- not because I am not interested, but because I am being stopped to do so. Talk about il y a. Kamusta naman si Levinas?

In the meantime, I had the following stuff that made me feel better:

- two lectures that paid off.
- dr hornedo's words of wisdom (yes, i sat down, once again!)
- two bottles with gradschool kids (ulk, barkada ko na kayo ngayon mga anak! hahaha)

By this, I'm dizzier and ready to sleep. Tomorrow's a new day. Teaching will make me feel better.

Tuloy ang laban. Aja.